I love you. I am so sorry for the hurt that you had to endure when you were little. I wish that I could have swept you away and protected you like a mama bird. I know it must have been so scary to hear the things you did and see the things you did and not know why you didn't get what you needed as a little girl.
I know it was hard moving around to all your different homes. You must have been so scared and confused by all the changes, smells, people and the rules at each house. You must have been so confused when you were seperated from your siblings and I am sorry for that loss.
When we met you we knew that you were suppose to be a part of our family. God planned many things out that made is possible for you to be with us. We fell in love with you right away from your silly talk to your bouncy personality. We didn't adopt you to "save" you or "rescue" you we adopted you because we wanted a child and you were the super kid who we chose for our family, how cool is that. I know you have a birth family and they are important to you. We just want to be an extra part of that family and love you to.
I know lately you haven't felt like loving us. You have shown us with lots of tantrums and hurtful words. I see it when you kick me and hit me that you are afraid. I know you don't trust me to take care of you. I know you are feeling scared that if you love us we might give you up. I know you feel worried that all your behaviors would give us reason to do that. I see how scared you get because you think you are a "bad girl" and that you don't deserve a family. I am afraid for you when you say you want to hurt yourself that makes me so sad.
"R" you do deserve a family. God made you and he doesn't make junk. You are beautiful and smart and kind. You deserve a family and so much more. I know all of this is really hard work. It is for us as well. Just take small baby steps forward and I will be there with open arms to love you and protect you.
I assure you beautiful girl that no matter what you throw our way, and it has been a lot, that you are not losing this family. No matter how much you push us away and say you don't want us that I know deep inside you really do. You keep working hard and we will keep working hard and together we will find a way to heal your broken heart.
With all my love,
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I haven't been writing for awhile and that is mostly because we have been in a time of turmoil in our lives. Our "R" has been struggling with intense behaviors for the past several months and I have been struggling with managing these behaviors. Most days do not go by without disrespect, swearing, screaming, spitting and hitting. I have struggled so immensely with loving her. I want to love her, but how can you love someone who treats you so badly and doesn't respect you? How can you hug someone who is kicking you and spitting on you? How do you say "I love you" when she is screaming I hate you back.
I was thinking about what Jesus would do and how he would react to the things that "R" is doing and it brought me to the verse in 1 Corinthians chapter 13: 1-6 the Love Passage.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I have to admit that this passage though I have heard it a thousand times convicted me in a tremendous way tonight. I have not been as loving and as accepting as I should be or as patient. I have struggled to be slow to anger with her and constantly think about her previous wrongs.
Her behaviors are extreme and they are tiring, but they are behaviors done from a place of fear and she really needs my unconditional love and devotion more than she needs my anger and frustration. I need to see her from the place I saw her when we first met and see her the way that Jesus sees her and not through my human eyes.
So as we work with our kids that push our very last nerve and we struggle with loving a child that feels unlovable think about the verse above and that our kids are in a place of fear and need our love to help them feel more regulated and accepted.