Saturday, November 12, 2011

Today I wonder???


“Raising a child with difficult behaviors can be more than exhausting...it can actually be painful. It can hurt just getting out of bed in the morning. The day in and day out of being with a child who rejects you, defies you and disrespects you can put you in a place of even questioning your decision to become a mother. This level of stress leaves you tired, angry, frustrated, physically sick, resentful, sad, tearful, and/or hopeless.”   Heather Forbes: Beyond Consequences Love and Logic.

The life of a mom who has a RAD child is extremely trying. The quote above says it all for me.   Lately I have been feeling so defeated as a parent and exhausted from the constant challenges and some days I feel like just staying in bed and pulling the covers over my head and not getting up.

Unless you have raised or are raising a RAD child you will not understand this feeling that overwhelms a mom.  The overwhelming feeling of being disrespected, yelled at, spit on, kicked,  and having someone roll their eyes and do the exact opposite of what you ask out of spite makes you cringe.  Without words being told that nothing you are doing is good enough. 

The most difficult part for me is that all of this is done in private behind the 4 walls of our home and no one else gets to see this side of our Little R.  So sharing and expecting anyone to understand where I am coming from is impossible.  I don’t want to shed my little girl in a bad light, but I as a mom need support to survive this life that I am dealing with.

I pray each day that God will give me the strength to put on a layer of armor so that her words and disrespect will not penetrate and hurt me, I know that I should not take her behavior personally she is a hurt little girl surviving the only way she knows how, but it does hurt. It hurts a lot. 

I have had a lot of rejection in my life, and have spent many years dealing with it and healing from it.  I thought that I had gotten past the losses in my life, but when my little girl, who we want to love so much and give the world puts up a wall up and rejects me, it wells up in me such sadness and painful memories. 

Today I feel like a failure at this parenting thing, today I wonder if we are the right family for this little girl or if a more trained family would have been a better choice….  Today I just wonder...


2 comments:

Stacy said...

Well, before I read your post, I had opened your blog and was just telling Matt that you have one. He told me a story about a conversation he had with your girl in church and we both marveled at what a good job you're doing with her. Then I read your post and my heart breaks that you aren't able to see that yet. But believe me... one day she will rise up and call you blessed. You are a great mom and I believe that God is going to use you in an amazing way in her life. She is probably just testing to see if you really love her. I've done that in my own life and have not experienced the struggles she has. Hang in there sweet Mama...you're doing great and God has not forgotten you. love you, Stacy

marythemom said...

I feel badly that I haven't checked your blog recently. It's hard when it won't let me put it on my Google reader. Please know that you are NOT alone. If you are on Facebook, please friend me and we can chat http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002563171806 (If we're already friends on FB, just ignore this, I've been so out of it lately!).

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