Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

This is my third Mother’s day.  I actually dread Mother’s day because before I was a mom it reminded me that I was not one, and I was sad and frankly jealous of all my friends who were and I wanted to enjoy the day with all the other moms.  Now, I dread Mother’s day because  it causes my “R” to really struggle with her emotions.  She is afraid of the feelings that she has about the idea of having a mom who cares and what that means and how to show she cares.   She struggles immensely with having attention focused somewhere else and not on her. So she can't "allow" that attention to go elsewhere.

My first Mother’s day she did not recognize at all, in fact she gave me an art project she made at school and then she took it back and said she wanted to give it to someone else instead.  She completely ignored me the rest of the day.  My second Mother’s day she threw several tantrums and refused to allow any part of the day be acknowledged as having anything to do with a mother.

Do you blame her?  I mean really….. for her whole life before moving in with us she didn’t know what it meant to have a mother that you celebrated.  “Mother” was not a good word and it was scary and unpredictable and unstable.   Why would you celebrate that?

So, I braced myself and expected the worst for this year. In fact I have not written in a while because our life has been in turmoil.  She has been raging and tantruming for weeks now and they have been out of control.  Counseling sessions increased and patience needed at every turn.   She was hurting so bad inside and I could not help her.  I could only hold on until the storm ended and she felt safe again.   There were days I was not sure if I could hold on and was not sure if the storm was going to end and we were talking about what choices we had to help her.    However a week ago she did start to settle again and seemed to take a turn in her healing.  A small step forward and I will take it.  Every step brings us closer to the goal of healing. 

So here we are at year three.  I was prepared for yet another Mother’s Day let down, but to my surprise I was embraced by my girl this morning who was excited about sharing the gifts she got for me.  She has loved on me today…. Real love.   This to me was way more special than any gift she could have gotten me.   It has been a day of tantrum free enjoyment, and I have enjoyed her as well.
I couldn't have asked for a better Mother's Day than this.

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