I haven’t written on my blog for almost a year. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and this past year has been a constant curve for me.
So the last 11 months has gone something like this. I started a new job, “R” struggled through her first year of middle school with an average of 3 emails or calls a week due to behavior issues, we had multiple visits from law enforcement and a few visits to the ER for mental health evaluations. I have been hit, kicked, spit on, bruised, scratched and verbally assaulted. My car has been scratched, food issues presented, She has begun self-harming, threatening to take her life, manipulating adults, lying, and running away. Our marriage is rocky, our dog is stressed our home is battered, and we added in a bunch of new therapies to try and help our girl heal. She turned 12 and the hormones hit like a rocket adding to the RAD gave us a whopper of a summer to deal with and now here we are getting ready for back to school and to begin the cycle again.
I am frequently asked how I do it? Do I think this is God’s will? How do I manage this child with all these disabilities and mental health issues and how do I take the abuse she gives me? How do I continue to love her? Do I blame God for this? I struggle to answer these questions, because I don’t WANT to handle it, I don’t WANT to be hit and hurt, and I don’t WANT to be the mom of a child with severe mental disabilities, I don’t WANT to deal with the school, and staff and therapies, I struggle to love her, I struggle to be therapeutic all the time, but I AM and I DO. So, I just do the best I can every day. At times it is lonely and at times I fail and at times I just cry and wish the world would disappear around me.
I am human and have on more than one occasion wanted to quit, to give up to throw in the towel and say that we are not the right fit for this kid. Does she need to be in residential care, does she need long term rehab, can she function in a family long term with other kids? She tells me she hates me and wishes I was dead, and there are days I wish I was to, so I didn’t have to listen to the screaming and the tantrums and the pain she is expressing.
I love music, it is therapy for my soul. It speaks to me in ways many other things cannot. I was introduced to this song a few years ago and it was on my IPOD, I hadn’t heard it in awhile and I came upon it again at just the time that I needed in my life. When I was feeling drained and weary and fighting storm after storm in our lives.
This song spoke volume's into my life.I thank God that he has put me in this position to parent this child. It is tough, tougher than anything I have ever done in my life, but I thank God that he has entrusted me with her care. I thank God that through all the storms and rain that I can still thank him for my life and hers. Why me? I don’t know, but God does. God orchestrated every detail of her living with us and being adopted down to the day she was adopted in the middle of a horrible snow storm. God wanted her to be with us. This little girl is in God’s hands and I am simply his vessel to reach her. Through all the pain she endures and entrusts me to take on, I will continue to praise the one who put her in our lives. If anything I believe I am closer to God now than I was prior to meeting "R" and need him more than ever as we go through this journey. I just hope that through all of this I show Jesus to her and that I bring Him glory through the way I help her heal and raise her.