Friday, February 17, 2012

Falling On My Knees

“I can’t fix this, how do we fix this!” I cried out to God after dealing with somewhere between 14-20 tantrum’s this week.

I had reached the end of my ability to parent this child. I feel like a failure as a mother. I can’t meet her needs and she makes it so hard to love her. At times I don’t feel anything, but pain when we are together. What kind of mother says that about their child? But this is no ordinary situation and this is no ordinary child. This is a child with a history of trauma and abuse and neglect. She can be as prickly as a porcupine and use all tactics to keep anyone from loving or hurting her again.

I am so frustrated at the upheaval in my life, the quiet and calm is gone replaced by screaming and slamming of doors and destruction. What I thought parenting would be is a faded memory. What I thought I would be as a mom is gone and replaced by guilt because I can’t change things and shame that I can’t completely explain.

I laid there crying for some time begging God to take the pain away I was feeling and begging God to help me to fix the situation. Help me to know what the next step should be, how to find her help and get her the help she needs. Help me to love her and find compassion for her.

 I laid in bed thinking about all we have been through and I was quietly reminded by God: “I AM the only one who can heal her”, “I AM the only one that can heal her heart and spirit”.” Stop trying to do this alone”

I realized I have been going about this all wrong. “R” looks completely healthy on the outside. I have met to her physical needs and I even meet her emotional needs as far as her nurturing but I cannot meet her spiritual needs. This need runs so deep that it rattles her soul. She has a broke spirit and the only one that can reach down in and take away that anger, rage, fear, resentment and hurt is GOD.

So on my knee’s I went in prayer and I will continue to do so each day. I will pray for the words to say and the way to act to help “R” to continue to heal and I will pray for God to touch her and reach her in an amazing way. I pray that He will heal this little girl and help her broken spirit to be healed and that He will be able to restore her. Each morning before I get up I am asking God to help me to know exactly what to say and do during times of trial to be his hands and feet. I am praying every day for the bonding that has not taken place to become evident and that we will be bonded and connected.

This isn’t about what I can do, because I have done all I can, this is now about what God is going to do in this girl’s life and I am the tool or the vessel he is using. I want to be a benefit to this healing process not another one of her broken piece.

It isn’t going to be easy; it isn’t going to change overnight. God didn’t say following him would be a bed of roses. I do know a peace I haven’t felt in a long time that God is in control and she is his child and he will see to it that in his timing He will start to heal her.   I lean on that, and in the mean time I will do whatever I can to get her the services and help she needs to help the healing process.  

1 comment:

Lily said...

Hi Laura,

Oh my... I have spent time reading your whole blog! You are such a wonderful and honest woman. I am not a mother but I am a mentor oa beautiful and smart 12 year old girl who lives in a Group Home. I met her while volunteering at a dance studio, and i fell in love with her. When i found out she was in a group home, I became a mentor for her. Its now a year, that i see her every week, spend time, take her out into the community and lately, I have been thinking (or daring to think) about offering my house as a foster or adoptive parent or her. I stumbled on your site while reearching "experiences about adopting an older child". I have so many questions, and would love to get in contact with you. Please contact me at Loved everything you write. Thank you so much for doing so. And THANK you for all you have done for "R". Shes a lucky soul to have you as a mother.

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