Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Can I Really Trust You?

A few weeks into “R’s” move into our home the sweet little girl we had come to know for 3 months in the confines of her last residence started to break down.  We were made aware that she had significant behavior issues in her previous foster home and had been prone to kicking and hitting and biting and punching, but we had not seen that yet.  We were made aware that she had been diagnosed with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and also ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) along with ADHD and multiple other diagnoses including a learning speech delay.
Three weeks almost to the day of “R’s” move in the tantrums began.  These were not just any type of tantrum’s they were 65 pounds of 8.5 year old anger, hurt, fear, pain, all balled up coming out in full on rages.  She screamed and kicked and hit and bit and threw stuff and broke things.
One day while she was screaming at the top of her lungs in our pantry where she had barracked herself I remember Screaming at the top of my lungs right back at her.  Now you might be ready to say “really you screamed back” but what I said was “I LOVE YOU, AND I AM SORRY YOU ARE SO ANGRY, BUT I AM HERE WHEN YOU ARE ALL DONE”.   I kept repeating myself which in fact made her angrier at the time.  She wanted to believe that we would be there for her. The fear of us actually leaving or her leaving, and allowing herself to be vulnerable, was too much for her little heart to handle.  She couldn’t Trust that we would be there for her, take care of her, love her, met her needs.  She was crying out in pain.
After these tantrums I would think of how God must feel when we don’t trust him.  When we try to go out on our own and accomplish something. When we think we have it all figured out and we then feel alone and floundering because all along we needed Him.  I think of how God must feel when we get angry and tantrum because we are lost and if only we trusted in his plan for our life we would be content and happy and feel safe.  God keeps saying and reminding us “I love you, and I am here when you are all done”. 
Just as we hoped that “R” would learn to trust and the tantrums would lessen, I hope that I can learn each time from my mistakes and "tantrums" and learn to trust God a little more each time with situations in my life so I can feel content in his will.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

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