Missing so Much..

As little R celebrates her 10th birthday I am reflecting on this past year and on her life.  I think about how much I have missed in my little R’s life.  She came to us when she was 8 years 11 months old.  I missed being able hold and rock her as an infant and listen to her coo. I missed her first words and her first steps. I missed her first hair cut and her first day of school.   I missed loving her for almost 9 years and most of all I missed being able to protect her and keep her safe.  At times I am angry with the circumstances of her early life.  I get frustrated as to why she did not come to us sooner or why she could not have been my little girl from birth. I have to harness my anger when she cries and has flashbacks or memories that make her afraid. I get furious with her birth mother when I find that my little R's special needs may be permanent due to neglect and substance abuse.

I also think about Little R missing so many first's also with a mom.  I want to try and make it up to her.  I would encourage Theraplay activities for working on this.  It has done wonders for our bonding and connection.  I have found some of the sweetest times with her as we play silly games and cuddle together and I have found also that it is good for me to.  We are connecting in silly ways and she is starting to I would hope trust that I am always going to be there.

I can’t believe it has been a year, it has been a long year, a challenging year and I don’t think I would change a thing.  Little R has taught me so many things about myself.  I have learned how to be more patient and kind and empathetic.  She has taught me about resilience and unconditional love.  She has taught me about life outside of my little world and about family and how important that connection is.

She may be 10 and I may have missed her first 9 years, but my heart’s desire is when she looks back on the years she has lived, she will remember the good times, and be proud of the progress she has made and the healing she has done. She will see that all along God had a plan for her life.   I hope she looks back and sees a beautiful butterfly immerging as she grows and heals.

Happy 10^th birthday Little R