I have recovered from my ranting post the other day and I am ready to tackle this disorder head on. Bring it on RAD.
Reactive Attachment Disorder what an ugly disorder. It
has been under controversy for many years as to whether it is a true diagnosis
for behavior exhibited by some children due to early neglect and abuse. The
stories most people hear are about children who are violent, set houses on fire
and torture animals and kill parents. All of that does happen in children with
RAD but there is also the side that is the daily tug-of-war to maintain control,
learn to love, trust and feel connected. A child with low self esteem but hyper
vigilance in everything going on. Lacks motivation to succeed and makes few real
friends. Our story is a testament that it is fact a real
diagnosis.
What makes me so angry about RAD is that it is completely
avoidable. Loving and nurturing a child in the early formative years and
meeting a child’s needs and being a present caregiver would eliminate the years
of pain a child goes through to recover. My “R” did not deserve this and it
makes me so angry that she has to go through this painful healing process.
I hurt for “R” the fact that she is unable to trust adults,
have healthy relationships with adults and peers, and has a battle inside of
herself daily about whether she can trust me or her dad at any given moment.
They say that parenting a RAD kid needs to be backwards
parenting. What works for normal functioning families for parenting and
discipline does NOT work in a home with a RAD child. I did not want to believe
this, to me it just didn’t make sense. She should respond the same way Right?
No, living with a RAD child for two years I’ve learned that, that is exactly how
you have to parent. The opposite of everything you learned. Throw it out the
window and start over new.
I know it seems scary and it has been for me and Mike. We
are learning all over again how to parent in a therapeutic way. In a way that
creates safety and trust and bonding. It is a parenting style that requires
that you don’t punish for wrong doing that may seem like it should be punished
for but rejoice when your child comes and looks you in the eye and apologizes.
That is a victory with RAD kids. Also, allowing natural consequences for actions
so they learn life skills. Allowing yourself to laugh when the situation just
seems so silly that you have to laugh about it or get angry. Letting yourself
have freedom to see growth in the small things. Not to take it personally
because it isn’t your fault.
This morning as we got out of the car “R” got mouthy with me
and sassy and rolled her eyes and used some not so nice words with me about
wearing her winter coat…. (Ummmm it is 24 degrees out and she has been sick, I
think she needs her coat on). I looked at her and said “Honey, I am thinking
that you don’t trust me right now to make the best choice for you and I get
that, it is tough. I would like to talk to you about it if you could come over
here” It took about 5 minutes but we had the conversation and a hug ended it and
the coat was on. That was Progress. Do I like that she was rude to me “NO” but
she was in a RAD place of panic and I needed to tell her I understood, and if I
can get her calmed down to talk to me and get the point across then I have had
success.
Therapeutic parenting isn’t about how strict you can be or
how military you can be in your house. It is about finding a way to be
empathetic. Reaching inside and finding that place of empathy for where your
kiddo might be at that moment. Seeing the surface reaction with a tantrum or
blow-up as a fear or concern that they cannot verbalize at the moment and maybe
you have to put words to it for them.
I am finally getting it now and this isn’t what I expected
from parenting and I have so much more to learn as I take one day at a time but
by golly this is what we got and I am going to do the best job I can.
I can’t change her past but I sure as hell am going to fight
to change her future.
1 comment:
Therapeutic parenting is HARD. Sounds like you're headed in the right direction. i think I've already sent you a copy of the review of books, methods and internet resources that I have, but if not, please feel free to e-mail me at marythemommy at gmail dot com.
Please let me know if there's any way I can help.
Mary
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