I am being watched

I know creepy huh? The thought of someone stocking you or watching you all the time and knowing things about you makes my skin crawl.

I knew as a parent I would be responsible for teaching and training my children and I also knew that as a parent of a foster child I would be re-teaching a lot of skills and habits that were incorrectly learned, but what I didn’t realize is how much you are watched on a daily basis in everything that you do.

Just recently Mike asked me if I had eaten breakfast and he always nags me when I don’t so I gave him that sly smile and said “yes I did” he turned to Little R and said “did mom really eat?” and she looked at her dad and said “ she must have she’s a Christian and wouldn’t lie”. OUCH!!! I quickly rectified the situation but it got me to thinking.

How often does she catch on to the things I do and say? The way I look at someone in the grocery store or respond to someone as I am driving and aggravated. How often does she catch little things when I am not being so “Christian like” and then what does she think when I expect the opposite of her.

How many of us quickly forget that our kids are watching when we get super angry at the car that pulled in front of us or the lady at the supermarket that looked a little funny and we chuckle. How about watching crappy TV but telling your kids it is not appropriate for them. (some exceptions of course apply). What about cursing and then telling your kids those are bad words and not to say them. I have been feeling convicted.

Little R is very attuned to what is going on in her environment due to her past trauma and needing to be "in the know" to feel safe. I wonder how many times she hears me grumble and complain or be crabby with Mike and I don’t think she is even listening.

I am suppose to be an example of Jesus to her. I am the hands and feet of Jesus to this little girl and I have a job and a task to teach her and train her and help her to navigate this world with a different type of attitude and response than her peers may.

I have a responsibility to this little girl to guide her and teach her and mold her in the way that God would want her to live her life and I can’t do that if I myself am not living the life that God would have me live. Someday if Little R learns nothing from me and never fully connects to me, the one thing I would be most please with is to hear her say that I was a woman of God and she could see that in me and learned something from me through this.

I am working with her to teach her skills and knowledge and change habits, but in turn she is unknowingly helping me to be accountable and in some cases get back on track with the way that I should be acting and living my life. It is not to say that I am running around like a crazy heathen but there are times and hours where I am less than pleased with the way I handled something and know my God is not pleased either and she provides a reminder for me of how I need to live my life.

I hope to each day remember that I am training our next generation and leading by example of how a Godly woman should live her life.

Proverbs 22:6  Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

It is simple.... I was called to do this

Can you imagine if God turned his back on us when we failed him?  Can you imagine what it would be like if we didn’t have a savior?   I can't imagine what it would be like to know that there was no Grace or mercy or unfailing Love?   I thank God everyday for his unfailing love for me.  His Grace when I fail him and his mercy when I deserve so much more reprimand than I receive.  I don’t even want to imagine what it would be like to not have a savior, a Redeemer, a Friend because I assure you I would not be here today if it had not been by the grace of God.

I have been told on many occasions in the last year that my husband and I are saintly, amazing, we have done the impossible.  We have been asked,  "how did you do it?"  “Why did you do it?”
  “Are you going to do it again?”  We have had many more questions asked of us surrounding the adoption of our girl as well.

Recently I was asked by a therapist “How do you love her even with all the hurt and upheaval she has caused you”.  I looked at the therapist and said “It is simple; I was called to do this”

I don’t believe that I would have chosen this path in my life had my body functioned the way that it should have and I had biological babies.  I certainly tried to avoid even in the adoption process a child with Little R’s conditions, but God had other plans for my life.

I was called to parent this child. God knew that I was capable of more that I could imagine.  He was calling me to something bigger than myself.    I was called to love a traumatized child unconditionally and give her my unfailing love.  I was called to provide grace and mercy to her during times when others turned her away and I was called to be her mother, teacher and friend. 

I do not see myself as amazing or saintly.  I am far from that, and I fail daily, but I do see myself as a child of God called to a task of helping this little girl heal from a traumatic past and grow to be a loving woman and child of God herself.

 How can I not love her, God made her.   He knew her before she was even born. He knew everything about her and still does.  He loves her even more than I do….her current condition is the result of human mistakes and she is paying the price.  I am to love her with the same intensity that God loves her and give her the Grace she needs to fail and try again.

I have the best job in the world.  I get to show my little R what a mom should be and I get to show her what true love is and I get to show  her that the world can look a lot different than she had envisioned and experienced.   So it is simple... I was called to do this. This is my calling in life.  Not to travel to remote parts of the world, or preach, or be someone amazing on TV, it isn’t even to sing which is my passion. It is to simply be a mom to Little R and help her heal and grow. 

Will we adopt again… well… my heart says yes but we will have to wait and see what God says as the next year or so goes by.

The big debate….to medicate or not to medicate?

When we met Little R she was living at a group home that had her in residential care for 8 months.  On her move in to the home she was removed from all medications to base-line her behavior.  She did fairly well at the group home so she was not returned to any medication.  She did well there because she did not have to attach or function in a family environment and she did not have to deal with a lot of her emotions surrounding that area of her life that was difficult for her.

I believed that our love, devotion and commitment to little R would heal her of all her hurts and pain and behaviors. I believed that the group home had somehow “fixed” her and she was miraculously healed from all her hurt since she wasn’t tantruming so much with them.   I thought that I could love her tantrums away and her anxiety and her depression and her fear of the environment and her sensory issues and her post traumatic stress disorder and her learning classroom issues and her Reactive attachment disorder.   My husband and I have worked tirelessly for our little girl over the past 15 months seeking out evaluations, therapies, services, talking to teachers and staff members educating family and friends and working hours with our little R at home to help her re-learn skills.  We have sought out natural herbal remedies and holistic approaches and food changes.  We have seen progress, she has changed, but her anger, defiance, fears and PTSD have continued at the same rate and she continues to struggle immensely in school and in social situations.

I thought that if I even considered medication I was a bad parent.  That I was giving up on her or on us and our ability to parent her.  I thought that if I considered medication that I was setting her up for addiction, dependency and failing her in some way.  I thought that if I put her on medication people would think that I was taking the easy way out and not trying hard enough to parent her and maybe we just needed to “try harder”.  We were encouraged to put her on some medication and we refused during our fostering stage. We were told by some friends and family it would be the worse thing we could do to put her on some medication.

I am writing this to tell any of you moms who are struggling with the decision to put your child on some form of medication that it it is not an easy decision one that you and your partner will have to weigh seriously and make the best choice for your family.  We did and it was the best decision we ever made.  Our life has been in chaos for the last 15 months and starting little R on a medication to help with her anxiety and help regulate her mood has made a world of difference.  It has given us back some normalcy in our lives and in fact is what we expected from parenting.   She has even told us how much better she feels not getting in trouble all the time and enjoying activities and events without being put in time out or removed from the venue.

We did not make this decision lightly and we still don’t . We did the research, we sought out a child psychiatrist who would listen to our daughter and us and build the right course of treatment for her.  Our Dr even told our little R.  “ I still want you to feel mad and sad and angry and all the emotions you have….but it seems right now that when you feel those things it is hard for you to not get Super mad and Super Angry and Super Sad and then you can’t turn it off, I want to help you control your emotions”.    I am not hear to listen to judgements on whether we made the right decision or not because I know that we did make the right decision for our family and our child.

Some people are born with imbalances in there chemical make up and some people have there balances messed with due to trauma in there lives and no amount of therapeutic work is going to be able to fix something like that.  A wise friend of ours who is a psycologist told me that sometimes giving a little medication will help the child be more receptive to the work we are doing in therapy, and accepting of those changes because they are in a better regulated state.   Our little R has been so strung out and anxious and physically in a place of dysregulation that she has not been able to take in what we are even trying to do with her.  Now her mind is calmer and she is feeling less anxious and able to take in some skills and learning tools.

I am so proud of her for the work that she has put into healing and I am proud of her as we talked about medication that she told me “mommy I just want to feel normal and not get so angry”.   When I asked her if she would be OK with me looking for a medication to help her not feel so angry so quickly and stay calmer  she looked at me with tears in her eyes she said “yes, please and soon”.  

Medication will never erase or completely heal our little girl. We have a long road of therapy and teaching ahead,  but we now finally feel like we are  on the road to healing.  

Exhausted...Mama's turn to vent

I don’t think I have ever felt this type of exhaustion before in my life.   I physically cannot even get out of my own way most days and wake the next morning still craving more sleep.

In April, I lost my job.   This set off a difficult tail spin of behaviors in our house from Little R due to the change and fears she associated with a mom not working.   It was a stressful phase in our lives but one that I hope Little R will learn from, that just because a mom is not working doesn’t mean she will be poor and not able to take care of her kiddo.  I was dealing with my own set of emotions over losing my job and feeling the financial strain and I wasn’t therapeutically parenting Little R to the best of my ability.  I was emotionally not able to meet her and was at times short with her, which did not make things better.

I found a job in late May and began a new schedule of working much later in the day than I ever have with Little R in the house.  When she moved in I was given a schedule of 6:30am-2:30pm. It worked out perfectly since she is an early riser.  I would see her in the AM, hubby would take her to school and I would pick her up from school in the afternoon.  We had time for homework, playing and our evening routine this was our schedule for almost a year.  My new job has me working at least until 4:30pm and sometimes later and not picking up Little R until 5-5:30pm and on occasion 6pm.  We rush home and have dinner and by the time that is done it is after 7pm.  Not a lot of time for playing or homework ETC. She doesn’t do well with being rushed and just shuts down. So her way of expressing her dislike over all of this change is through tantrums and defiant behavior.

In addition, the summer has been an extreme challenge for Little R.  She spent the better part of the summer throwing major tantrums and expressing her dislike of several changes in her life including my new job, school ending, and her favorite teacher leaving the district, my parents (her grandparents) moving to Florida and going to summer day camp.   She has made it clear that these changes were not acceptable to her but none of which I could change.  But even though I couldn’t change them nor did I cause them I was the punching bag for little R over the summer both physically and emotionally.

If I am not running around for normal life stuff, we are going to Therapy’s, tutoring or trying to fit in some family time on the weekends.  I have been sick over the past two months with colds and infections and some stomach trouble.  I haven’t been super sick consistently like this in a long time. 

I don’t know where the balance is.  Little R takes up about 75% of my time due to general care taking/ tantrums/explaining everything due to learning issues/re-direction/direct line of sight monitoring/therapy/tutoring and the other 20% is work.  I love her and wouldn't change being her mom but there has to be some balance.

Where and how do I fit in time for me?  I really don’t want to be selfish but I am exhausted and have ostracized myself from my friends and at times from family because I don’t want to “add another thing” to my plate and I can’t have Little R tantruming with them or I suppose I can I just don’t want to deal with it.  I am physically and emotionally burning out.  My candle has been going at both ends for over a year but in the past 3 months it has been running on just the wick in the middle and it is just about out.

I have been blessed to have a mother-in-law who wants to spend time with Little R and cares about how we parent her. She is always asking what she can do to make things easier and how she can "parent" her when she has her.   She will take her for a full day or overnight to give us a break.   She has been a reprieve for us on many occasions but the day in and day out parenting a special needs kiddo and working a full time job and managing Little R's many many appointments for therapy and specialist's is exhausting me and all I want to do is take a very long nap…….

Swiss Cheese

Have you ever really looked at Swiss cheese?  If you cut right into the center of the cheese you will see that some of the holes go all the way through, some go about half way and then some just barely start at all.

So I was thinking of Little R as a block of Swiss cheese. Go with me here it gets interesting.  Little R has a lot of past trauma and hurts.  Some of her hurts just barely scratch the surface of her memory and some of her trauma history is pretty deep and then some is so deep that it goes straight through and requires a lot more than just a hug and “get over it”.   All of these holes need to be filled in to make Little R feel whole again.   These types of holes cannot just be fixed with a band aid because when we keep cutting we see that we only covered the surface and didn’t get down to the hole underneath.

We have to fill in the holes and fill them up solid; we also will never be able to fill all the holes at the same time.  It will take years to fill in all the holes and even then some will still be left vulnerable to hurts.

When looking at our Little R this makes perfect sense.  She does have hurts that run very deep and others that we work on daily.  Once we realized that this was what we were looking at it made loving her through her anger and defiance and bitterness so much easier to handle.

During Therapy we are finding so many more wholes than we ever imagined.  My heart is hurting for this little girl who witnessed, experienced and was at the hand of so much hurt.  But my heart rejoices for the fighter in this little girl.  She is working so hard to heal, love and trust us daily.

We have a long uphill battle ahead of us but we are taking it one day at a time and filling in wholes as we go. We see God working in amazing ways in this little girl’s life and we can’t wait to see what he has in store for the future.

Psalm 121:5-6

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.    

Missing so Much..

As little R celebrates her 10th birthday I am reflecting on this past year and on her life.  I think about how much I have missed in my little R’s life.  She came to us when she was 8 years 11 months old.  I missed being able hold and rock her as an infant and listen to her coo. I missed her first words and her first steps. I missed her first hair cut and her first day of school.   I missed loving her for almost 9 years and most of all I missed being able to protect her and keep her safe.  At times I am angry with the circumstances of her early life.  I get frustrated as to why she did not come to us sooner or why she could not have been my little girl from birth. I have to harness my anger when she cries and has flashbacks or memories that make her afraid. I get furious with her birth mother when I find that my little R's special needs may be permanent due to neglect and substance abuse.

I also think about Little R missing so many first's also with a mom.  I want to try and make it up to her.  I would encourage Theraplay activities for working on this.  It has done wonders for our bonding and connection.  I have found some of the sweetest times with her as we play silly games and cuddle together and I have found also that it is good for me to.  We are connecting in silly ways and she is starting to I would hope trust that I am always going to be there.

I can’t believe it has been a year, it has been a long year, a challenging year and I don’t think I would change a thing.  Little R has taught me so many things about myself.  I have learned how to be more patient and kind and empathetic.  She has taught me about resilience and unconditional love.  She has taught me about life outside of my little world and about family and how important that connection is.

She may be 10 and I may have missed her first 9 years, but my heart’s desire is when she looks back on the years she has lived, she will remember the good times, and be proud of the progress she has made and the healing she has done. She will see that all along God had a plan for her life.   I hope she looks back and sees a beautiful butterfly immerging as she grows and heals.

Happy 10^th birthday Little R

Finding Joy In The Small Things

For those who don’t know Daniel Hughes, he is an amazing doctor who helps families and children heal and overcome Reactive Attachment Disorder with their kiddos.  His practice is out of Gray Maine, and  he has written a few books one of which is Building The Bonds of Attachment.  We have been trying to get in to see him since Little R came home.  Seeing Dan was not an option but we were able to get in to see one of his protégé’s.  We found a Dan Hughes trained therapist in our area and after many months we have been able to establish treatment with her.

I read his book Building the Bonds of Attachment as a requirement for adopting Little R as she exhibited a lot of the behaviors the book described.  I was terrified. I remember emailing our social working and saying.  “The character Katie in the book, I would say is a 10 on a scale of 1-10 for behavior, where would you put little R?”  The social worker told me that in her last placement they would put her as an 8 or so.  Now having Little R in our home I would say she was around an 8 last year and now is around a 5. 

We have tried to “handle” Little R on our own, with counseling of 3 different people and from advice of others, books and the internet.  What we have realized is that Little R needs more than we could provide and more than what a counselor can provide that does not have extensive experience with RAD.  We finally believe we have found “the one” and feel a sense of relief. She gets us and we trust her methods.

For the first four visits or so the therapist meets with just the parents to work with them to establish a new routine in the home.  She teaches us how to respond to the negative behaviors in a therapeutic way and works with us on our hurt that Little R has caused us so we can prepare to get into the REAL work that will take place with Little R once the therapist starts to work with her.  I have never been to therapy but this has been the best thing I have done in the last year for our Little R.   I have spent the last year barely staying afloat.  Some days I feel like I am drowning in all the tantrums, screaming, arguments, and correction that go on in our home.  My little R is struggling with her regulation daily, her aggression in school, she has tried to run away at school and home.  She curses and hits me and says some of the most awful things. Some days I struggle to love her and  be around her because she causes such turmoil in our lives. There are days I have regretted making the decision to adopt her and feel locked in a prison inside myself and fight to find something positive in Little R.

The therapist validated my feelings and Mike’s and told us we are justified in the way we feel, however we need to look for the Joy in each day and have moments of unconditional Love for Little R were the wrongs of the day do not play a part in our affection toward her. So, I took my homework and  I started to examine why we even adopted Little R and it is simple I do this and keep at it, because deep down I do love her.  I am so proud of the progress she has made.  To others it may seem small in comparison to the big picture but I am taking the small things right now, because that is all I have.  Little R no longer punches and kicks me.  Little R no longer throws objects at me.  Little R tantrums 3 out of 7 days now instead of all 7.  Little R is able to come and say sorry were months ago that never happened.  Little R is now polite in restaurants and uses her table manners most of the time.  Little R has started to snuggle with Mike and seek him out. 

There is hope mom’s.  Those of you who are at the beginning of your journey and are seeing the long road ahead, there is hope.  We have started to build the bonds of attachment with Little R and we are seeing some progress.  It will take years, but take one day at a time and look for the small victories in each day.  Seek out help and advice. Find a good RAD therapist and trust them to help you.  It is lonely by yourself .  Day in and day out dealing with RAD kids is exhausting and taxing on your body and mind.  Give yourself time to grieve what you have lost and then look forward to the future of what will be.  These kids need us, if we don't help them who will?

Little R is making progress.  She is growing and we are beginning to see healing.  I thank God every day that he gives me the strength to get up out of bed and face a new day.