Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mommy needs a TIME OUT

I am exhausted, tired, burnt out, overwhelmed and waving my white flag.
Being the mom to a radlet is really tough work, and I am one.  
I love little R but being her mom takes a lot of work, far more than the average child and there are days and weeks that I just need a major Mommy time out. 
I want a time out from:
-          Asking to have homework finished and a major blow out tantrum follows
-          Come home and ask a question about school to get screamed at, sworn at and sassed at.
-          Find my Little R being angelic with everyone else and turn into “that child” at home that no one would want to be around.
-          Sit and watch her scream and cry because of her PTSD and hold her as she struggles to understand “whys” of her life.
-          Have to watch new toys broken or taken away because of behavior.
-          The stress that it puts on my marriage as we struggle to make time for each other and figure out the best parent styling needed to help our RAD, ODD, ADHD, SPD child function day to day.
-          I would love to go one day without getting called from the school that Little R had a “bad” day or was in the principal’s office.
-          To enjoy a movie with Little R that will not stir up sad feelings or PSTD issues
-          To go one week without OT, PT, therapy or doctor’s appointments.
-          To go out in public and not have to worry about how quickly I can remove her from a situation should she start to dysregulate.
A momma with RAD really never gets a break.  If I take time for myself I have to weigh whether leaving is worth it because when I return I pay for it.  Little R just can’t handle it and I pay with attitude, tantrums ECT... afterwards. 
I feel isolated and alone.  No one truly understands what I am going through and no one can really understand what happens in my home. Unless of course you are one of the amazing RAD momma’s that I recently found on some blogs. Kudu’s go out to you. 
  If you want to help me can I make one suggestion please don’t tell me the following things:
-          She will outgrow it
-          Just be a little tougher with discipline
-          Everyone struggles with their kids
-          Every kid says they want to run away
-          Most kids throw tantrums
-          Wow...she acts so young
-          Maybe you are too tough on her
-          That is not a good parenting strategy
-          Don’t get her “labeled”
-          Don’t medicate
-          You chose to adopt her!!
I am doing my best to be the best I can for Little R.  She is not a typical child.  She is a traumatized child who was neglected and abused in her early life and bounced around through 5 different homes for 5 years and does not trust anyone.  She was not nurtured or cared for during infancy and thus never learned “normal” interactions with people.  She was exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero so her brain struggles to process and adapt.  She isn’t a typical child thus I cannot parent her, love her, and think of her as such.  She needs to be treated with a different kind of gentle white glove and also a different kind of discipline that will help her to learn all that she has missed in life.
What you can do for me is just give me a hug.  Ask me how I am.  Let me talk without expecting to try and “fix” my situation.  Love our family through this and support that we have been trained and are working with professionals so here I am today, tired and worn out.  Fighting an uphill battle and hoping that someday the war will end in my home and we can be kinda normal. 
For today though I would just like a time out.

4 comments:

Corey said...

Laura,
Please email me! You are not alone.. in fact, I think we are very close by, geographically. I blog at watchingthewaters.com . I will be speaking to a class of MSW students next Thurs at UNH if you would like to come and hear my story. Also there is a group of moms that meet at my house once a month.. it is usually during the day and I understand that you work, but once summer hits we will try to host a family day at least a couple of times on a weekend day so that local families that work can come. My email address is jcwaters2002@yahoo.com

xoxo
Corey

Kathleen Benckendorf said...

Nope, definitely not alone!
When you have a few minutes (ha, I know) drop by my site and check out my collection of resources. Some things have worked for us - some, not so much. But we've made more progress in the last two years than in the previous ten, so I decided to put together a web site with the good, the bad, and the ugly. ;-) I don't blog as much as some of the other AWESOME therapeutic moms like Corey and Christine and Diana, but there's plenty to wade thru on my site.

We adopted our kiddos 12 years ago at ages 11, 9, 8, and 4 - domestic.

There IS hope.
You are NOT alone.
Kathleen Benckendorf
http://www.attachmentandintegrationmethods.com

Seamaiden said...

You are an amazing, strong, beautiful person, Laura, with a heart as big as Jupiter, and God knew it would take a couple like you and Mike to even come close to being able to offer a glimmer of hope into this broken child's life. You have my utmost respect, dear girl. And a big hug...and lots of prayers...

Rich & Sig said...

You are not alone, and I am so sorry you are going through this, but now I know I am not alone either. Would love to talk to you...

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