The world is not enough

If you have ever thought about fostering to adopt and have thought “I could rescue a child and give them the world”.  If you ever thought “they would be so grateful and happy with all the things that I could provide them with”.  I would caution you to learn a little more before moving forward.  I had this mentality and believed if I just gave a child the world or loved them enough they would heal and forget and would no longer have worries. I wished someone had told me that, that was not the case.

I had begun to get used to the rages and tantrums (which that comment in of itself is scary).  When I say raging I am referring to tantrums so severe that holes are put in walls, toys are broken, punching, hitting, kicking and biting are intense and no amount of coercion is enough to make it stop, unless of course you give in and give her, her way.

I remember the day like it was yesterday, we had gone away for an overnight for our anniversary in late September and realized after our return that we made a mistake by going.  We needed to go, we were exhausted and our marriage was feeling the strain of the situation.  We didn’t realize the magnitude of what was going to happen after we returned for leaving her for 2 days.  We had prepared her in advance but it wasn’t enough.

Later we realized little R was so terrified of us never coming back and was so angry at us for leaving.  She had two days of pent up fear because she thought for sure we had dumped her and left.  The tantrum began less than 10 min after picking her up.  It continued through the evening and into the next day.  Only brief periods would pass before the tantrum would start up again.  By that afternoon it had escalated, I was emotionally and physically drained.   She became extremely angry with me and wanted me to feel her pain and hurt, and during this day I was given a black eye, split lip and bruised arms and legs.   I had nothing left to give.  I literally looked at her blankly as she continued to scream in her room as I waited for Mike and the therapist to arrive.  When they arrived I told them with little emotion left, what had happened.  I didn’t have the strength to fight this anymore and I didn’t have the drive.  I had hit rock bottom. That day I told them that she would need to leave that I couldn’t take the abuse anymore.

I thought that if I loved her enough, if I gave her the world, if I showed her with actions and words she would heal overnight. The world was not enough, my love at that time was not enough.   I was reminded she didn’t get hurt overnight it was years of pain and hurt she endured and it will take years to heal. 

The story didn’t end there; I didn’t give up on her that night.  I needed space and time to heal.  I prayed and asked God to give me the strength and I asked what I should do.  Should we disrupt the placement or continue on?  Could I continue on and could my heart heal from all the bruises?  After a long night of prayer, I knew that we must keep going and that we were the right people to help her heal.  The next day brought a new fight in me.  I know that it was only the strength of God that helped me to get out of bed  and take the necessary steps needed to help our girl heal…. I WAS NOW IN CONTROL!!!

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. NAS