Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Seasons of change

I have to admit I was extremely excited about the holidays this year and looking forward to sharing it with Little R.  We had a lot of learning to do thru the holiday’s because too much “fun” would send her into a tailspin for several days and all the excitement of the holiday’s was a LOT for a little kid not to mention one with issues regulating herself.  She was struggling through the holidays and we were struggling to connect with her.  We were told to consider not adopting by our DCYF office and we just didn’t know what to.  Then in late November we received a major shock.

Over the past 12 years of marriage we have struggled with infertility.  I can’t count the number of nights I cried myself to sleep because I once again took a pregnancy test with the expectations of being pregnant to find only “one line” or a “not pregnant” on the test.  I could have taken stock in pregnancy tests I had purchased so many.  Each month we would get excited with the expectation of testing and then the major let down of our dreams not coming true.  We had given up “our dream” of building a family through our pregnancy, and were blessed to find Little R.  However we never let go of the idea that maybe someday God would bless us with a pregnancy.

In Late November Mike approached me and said “I think you are pregnant” to which I laughed and told him it was absurd and blew him off.  He kept insisting giving me “symptoms” that I was having and said I should take a test to which I was able to come up with a logical explanation for each symptom.  I just couldn’t test and take the chance of another let down.  I waited almost a week and finally tested.  To my amazement I was pregnant.

Unfortunately, the excitement of the pregnancy was short lived as we found out that there were some complication and around 7-8 weeks we lost the baby.  I asked myself why God would allow this to happen after so many years of trying and giving over our desires to him and then give us the dream to take it away.  I struggled with understanding and then it dawned up me a few months later.

During the time we were pregnant we had to make a tough decision.  Little R was still struggling with her behaviors, she was tantruming far less but still tantruming, and very unpredictable.  She had made it clear to us that she did NOT want any siblings and would HURT any child we brought into the house.  We had violent and screaming outbursts and had some logistical problems with our home as well.  We didn’t know if we could move forward with the adoption for the safety and well being of our family as well as some other issues.  We struggled with this for about a week and came to the conclusion that she IS our Daughter and no matter what changes come to our family she will be part of that.  If we had gotten pregnant after the adoption we would have had to figure it out anyway.   We knew that day that she was here to stay no more talk of disrupting the adoption. So, getting pregnant was a way for us to solidify her presence in our family and make the final stand that she was ours. 

I grieve the loss of the pregnancy and so wish that we could be bringing a child into this world this summer but I know that I would not have been able to do the healing work over the winter with her that we did if I was in early pregnancy.  I am not angry, I am not mad; some day’s sad but optimistic that God is going to always have our best interests in mind and I have hope that one day we will find ourselves pregnant again and giving Little R a brother or sister which she now says she really wants. LOL


Kathleen Benckendorf said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Seamaiden said...

Oh Laura, sending a big hug your way. I'm sorry for all the stress and struggle, loss, pain and frustration you experience throughout this whole process...but am amazed, inspired & humbled by the sharing of your incredible story. God has done & is doing such a work in your lives! Thank you for sharing the journey with us. HUGS...Susan

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